How have I developed into a spirit that needs very little by way of friendship?
There was a time when my friends were everything to me. I would talk on the phone incessantly, catch up, gossip, go out for coffee, dinner and drinks. In hindsight, I wonder if I just got tired of being disappointed by people, in general. Not necessarily my friends or family. Although, there has been a fair share of disillusionment with them. Just humans. I prefer my own company and the company of my partner (sparingly). If I’m honest, maybe I can sort it out. The only time this issue makes me anxious is when I have obligated myself to ring someone.
Is it my voice?
What is it?
I can text or type all day long, but utterances find me disturbed. My words are my message. My communiqué’ to the world.
Is that it?
Maybe I’ve said all I want to say?
And no one hears me. I’m not lonely. I’m quite happy and even have a spattering of surface friendships, but I only speak with them in person at events. Although, I am tired. Weary. I think it’s that I don’t see myself as part of this world anymore. I am in it. Yet, I don’t relate to any other human in it. I’m filled with disgust and repulsion at what humans are allowing to be done with this planet and her inhabitants. Animals truly are my greatest companion in this place.
Even in sunny Florida, it gets chilly and all you want is to curl up with a blanket and a good chowder. This recipe is from The Gentle Chef and his 1st Gentle Chef Cookbook.
For our 1st Christmas together, we have 1 ornament – an elephant with too many sparkles. This year, Cameron and I marched, attended a fundraiser and gave a donation towards the effort to save the Asian elephant so it seemed appropriate.
The tree is a live Norfolk Pine we rescued from Home Depot and certain death. It was knocked over on its side with the soil everywhere but where it should be. We got it upright, added some new soil, fed it water and it began to perk up. It’s future home is uncertain, but we intend on planting it after Christmas so that it may mingle with other pines.
I’m not sure exactly when it happened. Whether it was a gradual silence or if I woke up one day like this. I had lost my voice somewhere. Or had I chosen to hide it? I look at pictures of myself. I’m smiling there. I cannot understand why. I feel completely removed from that girl. That image. Either I am a ghost or perhaps she is…
I moved 1000 miles away from the only place I’ve ever lived 6 months ago. On Sunday, I deactivated the social media that kept me connected to friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances. I figure if they want to reach me, I have a phone. I have so much to say. I’m hoping this is a place I can safely lay down my thoughts, fears, hopes, trials and recent life events to anyone that is interested.